It's Okay Not To Be Okay.

Hey guys,

So, I have been very quiet recently, and for this I really do apologise. If you've read my Moving On post, then you will know that I have had some pretty big news recently, but I have also had a few other things that have been affecting me.

I wasn't sure whether to write this post, but I feel like this is a great outlet to express how I'm feeling, as I often find it hard to verbally express how I'm feeling.

Basically, I don't really sleep. As in, once, I had 11 hours sleep in 7 days, and still had to attend university, complete numerous assignments, keep up a social life, eat (obv) and just try and upkeep as normal a life as I could. However, with a brain like mine, which literally never stops due to anxiety, this had started to become difficult, basically to the point where it would never stop and keep me up until 7am, when I had a 10am lecture to be in for.

And I know this is the stereotypical student life of going out partying, staying up until the early hours, then dragging yourself into a 9am lecture still drunk, but this wasn't the issue. I was going to bed at a reasonably normal time, but just laying there for 6-7 hours just overthinking everything. And believe me, I tried everything to just stop it, I tried reading, turning my phone off earlier, playing relaxing music, sleep pillow sprays, the lot. And nothing worked. I ended up getting a better sleep after a night out than I was on a normal night, which is most definitely not good.

This therefore led to me being mentally and physically exhausted, meaning I had to get extensions on assignments (which I hate doing as I feel like I'm giving in to it, which I know is stupid, but I do), I was missing vital lectures, I was getting continually ill and I was just miserable. I mean, I try to be a happy person and I feel like I am the majority of the time, yet this I just could not cope with.

You're probably wondering why I didn't go and get help initially. I actually did about a year ago as my university, but the way in which I was treated by them meant that I just could not face going back. So I ended up going to my welfare tutor who I had spoken to before, and whom I knew would actually listen and not just patronise me, and explained what was going on. In all honesty, he took one look at me (my under-eyes were that black, that I looked like I had been punched, and my skin was literally translucent I was that pale), and just said 'you need help'. So from here, I got a key worker, so now I can easily get help on getting extensions, and it just made everything a whole lot easier.

This made me realise that I shouldn't have been exhausting myself to the extent that I was, in the fact that I was going into uni after having an hours sleep, not being able to understand what was going on as I was so tired, and then going back home and stressing about how I hadn't learnt anything. I'm just happy that I finally took a step back and realised that this wasn't healthy, and I shouldn't have to put myself through that.

The point of this post is to just remind you that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to admit that things aren't exactly right, that you're not happy in the place that you're in, or that you just want a break from things. It's okay to ask for help, to talk to others about how you're feeling. There will always be someone who will listen and help, even if you feel like there won't be.

It's okay not to be okay.

Much love always,

Grace x