New Beginnings

Hey guys.

I haven't posted on my blog for a while; and in all honesty, I kinda fell out of love with it. The constant need to be on social media took a hold of me, and I would get annoyed with myself if I wasn't posting on Instagram or Twitter daily. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it seemed to be the only way I could get my posts read. Which is exactly what the issue was.

I started writing this blog as an outlet, somewhere I could just write about anything and everything. But the amount of views started to take over, and it made my blog become a chore as I was constantly posting on social media about my posts. Don't get me wrong, that's absolutely fine, and I don't see anything wrong with it. But it got to the point where I would check my stats quite a lot, and would feel disheartened if a post I had put loads of effort into had hardly been read. This was supposed to be a hobby, something that I would do for myself. I don't know, I guess I just started thinking, what was the point?

I'm now in my fourth and final year of university, and even though I'm excited to see what happens in the future, I can't help but think; what the hell am I going to do next year? I have spent my whole life in education, which is mad if you think about it. I actually remember talking to a friend at school in 2012 when the world was supposedly going to end (lol) and saying how if it did end, we would have spent our whole lives in education. I can remember thinking, with all of my teenage angst and hatred for the education system (again, lol, who did I think I was?), I wish I could grow older and get a job and be one of those women who has their lives together. I can actually remember wishing I was 21.

Well, Grace mate, I can assure you that you do not have your life together at 21. I'm sat here thinking what would I like for dinner? And the fact that I've got food in feels organised to me. Yep, that's the extent of my organisation. Well, not really, I'm actually on top of my work (for once) and seem to have an idea of what I want to do after graduation. However, even though I'm so set on this goal, the thought of it terrifies me. What if it doesn't pan out? Where am I going to live? As you can tell, I'm basically having an existential crisis.

But the one thing I'm sure of is this. I am so bloody proud of my blog. It's mine, I created it, I can write whatever the hell I want and it's just fab. It's somewhere I can talk about stuff like my existential crisis at the age of 21, and then hopefully look back in 10 years and think wow, I really needed to stop being such a drama queen. Hopefully. Or maybe I'll still be a drama queen in 10 years. Well, let's hope I'm a drama queen with a job.

But I think the point of this post is that I feel like I need my blog. I need somewhere to vent my thoughts. And you know what, even if I don't get the numbers that I want, I'm still going to write. Even if it is just for me, because I bloody love it. So there you go, moral of the post - do what you love, and don't let anything get in the way of it. Because I stupidly started to think it was about numbers, but it's not. I really do appreciate everyone who reads my blog, and I really do mean that. But I think I had it in my head that it would be easy to get yourself out there. But I can assure you that it is not, and hats off to anyone who is a blogger, because it is hard work.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I will be back with a post in the near future, and will not leave it another 5 months (oops). But yeah, welcome to Love, Ellena Grace 2.0. Expect a bit of beauty, a bit of lifestyle, a bit of travel, and a hint of Grace's good old rambles.

Thanks for reading, and lots of love,

Grace x

Don't Be So Hard On Yourself

In the words of Jess Glynne, don't be so hard on yourself, no.

I mean, I really don't like that song as it has been waaaay too overplayed, but I feel like it's pretty relevant. I often sit and think oh crap, I have literally done nothing with my life, and I have no experience, and I'm never going to get a job, and I am going to have to live in a box in the street labelled Grace's Box and children will call me crazy box lady. Yes, I got all of that from I have done nothing with my life.

But then I stop for a second and think, actually, I have done something with my life. I mean, I may not have 5 years worth of experience in the field I want to go into, which many job applications ask for (lol, why is this a thing??), but I have done some stuff. I have travelled to some pretty cool places, I have gotten into university, and I have moved abroad. BY MYSELF. Take that, anxiety.

I guess I just see all of these people all over social media doing amazing things, and these people are my age, or only a couple of years older, and I am sat in on a Friday night watching reruns of Friends and eating chocolate muffins (I have no regrets), but I often think, why aren't I doing that? But then I think, Jesus Christ Grace, give yourself a break. I mean, I'm only 21 (which I hate admitting, I was asked for my age the other day and I said 20 by accident, and when I realised I was in fact not 20 anymore, I genuinely died a little inside. Well, not really, but it's a scary thought). Hey, I haven't travelled the world (I can hear my bank account crying at the prospect of this #studentproblems) and I don't have an amazing job, but I'm doing okay. I am quite content with where I am.

I think I just need to get into the mentality of the fact that things don't just happen. You have to work for them, and if they don't happen, then just try again. Resilience is the key.

See, I'm a grown up. I use words like resilience and talk about a positive mentality.

On a serious note though, I'm in Italy, eating pizza every day, and loving life. I mean, my social anxiety is currently horrendous, and I sometimes struggle to leave the apartment, but I am getting there. Not every day will be the same, and I will get through this. When my mental health is bad, it's incredibly hard to think that it won't always be like this, but I'm getting there.

I think the whole prospect of finishing university next year kinda terrifies me, and I just have no clue as to where I'm going to be next summer. Will I get a job, will I not, will I end up getting Grace's Box and having children shout at me in the street? Who knows? But I guess that's all part of the fun.

Thanks for reading my rambly post, I feel like I just needed to sit at my laptop and write, as I have been feeling a bit crappy recently. I love that I can just sit and write exactly what I've been thinking and the fact that it automatically makes me feel better. It's as if I can finally rationalise what I've been thinking, and be like, hold on a minute, to tackle this, I need to do this. I bloody love my blog, you know?

Much love amigos,

Grace x

2018: The Year of Realising Stuff (and Feeling Better For It)

So, in the very wise words of Kylie Jenner, 2018 is the year of realising stuff. Well, with a couple of the facts changed. She said 2016 was the year of realising stuff, but hey, we're all different. 2018 is the year that I, Grace, am realising stuff. 

I genuinely don't know where I was going with that.

Basically, I just feel like I've grown up a hell of a lot in the past couple of months. Not a clue as to why, maybe it's because I am now 21(!!!) and have obviously developed a lot of wisdom in my old age. In the words of Joey Tribbiani, I am very wisdomous.

Lol, let's be honest, no I'm not. 

I still laugh at stupid things and sometimes give the worst advice (lol, soz to all my friends who I have been no help to). But I'm overcoming my mistakes and realising that actually, it doesn't matter, and I'm allowed to mess up or laugh at stupid things, which I guess is kinda mature, right? Plus, I am never gonna stop laughing at stupid things, but let's be honest, who would want to give up that trait? Weirdos, that's who.

I don't know, I think I have just realised that there is more to life than how people perceive me, which played a big part in how I acted. I was quite reserved as a teenager, just because I was scared about what people though of me, but I quickly learnt that it didn't matter, as if I spoke up I was annoying and if I was quiet then I was boring. There is just no pleasing some people. 

It has literally taken me 21 years to realise this. 21 years. For god's sake, Grace.

Instead of dwelling on things, such as how someone may have taken something I had said which was harmless, but could have been perceived as not, or worrying about how I look when I go to the shops, I have started thinking 'who am I trying to impress?'. I literally do not know the answer to this question. I mean, I wear make up for me, because I like experimenting with it, and I feel more confident with it on, because I no longer look/feel like a child that hasn't slept in 21 years.

It's just that, I have finally realised that who cares? Who literally gives a shit if I put mascara on and it went clumpy, or have my jeans accidentally tucked into my very colourful socks. Yes, it was an accident, but it was an excellent fashion statement.

I have been doing work experience in London for the past two weeks, and I genuinely feel like a different person because of it. I mean, I am in no way a confident person (anyone will tell you that), but I have just learnt to fake it 'til you make it. I am staying in London, by myself, travelling on the tube everyday, by myself, sitting in restaurants and eating, BY MYSELF. And I know this doesn't sound like much to some people, but to someone who has pretty bad social anxiety, this is a massive win for me. 

All because I don't actually care what people think of me anymore. And the people who do have an opinion and who are negative towards me when I have literally done nothing to offend them or anyone else, well they can just do one. I just don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what makes me happy, have fun, be kind and enjoy life, because what is the point of always being worried about other people?

As someone who has constantly been self conscious, I know that if you're reading this and you are how I used to be, then this may seem like something that will never happen. But I promise that it will, and always know that it genuinely doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you're being kind and you're happy, do whatever the hell you want. 

I always do the year method. If you're wondering what this is, it is well-known, and probably has a better name than the 'year method', but this is just what I call it because I can't remember what it's actually called...

So basically, think about what you're worried about and think, will this be an issue in a year? Or even a month? And the answer is almost always no. Plus, you're probably never gonna see these people again, so just do you!

Toxic people, be gone!! *insert that girl emoji with her arms crossed over her face*

Jesus, I guess my realising stuff hasn't stretched to how to describe emojis.

Thanks for reading my very rambly post, but I felt like I just needed to get this out, as I know younger Grace would have loved to have read something like this, as I genuinely did think I would always be that way. But hey, being 21 has changed me. I am a changed woman. I can now drink in the US. I mean, this isn't helpful at all, as I don't live there, but it's always nice to know.

Much love amigos, 

Grace x

Learning to Love Yourself (or the Journey Towards It)

Hey guys,

Confidence is always something that I've struggled with. I wasn't particularly 'popular' at school, and puberty definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. Genuinely, I showed a picture of my teenage self to my housemate and he was shocked at how much I'd changed.

But in reality, I don't think I've changed. I'm still that 14 year old who pretends to be absolutely fine and pretends to have some sort of confidence about her, when in fact she has very little. I've never been the prettiest girl or the slimmest girl, but that's not what affects me. I have completely accepted this fact. It's the fact that I compare myself to everyone, and that if someone points out something about myself that I already feel is a flaw, it just replays in my mind. I still can remember the time when someone made a pretty nasty comment about my nose, and when someone pointed out how ugly I was to the entire class.

But then I think, that was school. And I'm not the same person that I was at school. And there is more to life than the way I look. I got good grades, and yes, I got mocked for it, but I'm now studying at a Russell Group university studying something I really enjoy. I was also called boring at school, yet if you actually get to know me, I am pretty damn hilarious. I am genuinely the most sarcastic person you will ever meet, and I love to take the piss out of myself. I was also told how I was too nice for my own good, and to be honest, this one is correct, as I let people get away with walking all over me and treating me like shit, but I guess you can't win them all.

I mean, I'm still not completely there yet, and I may not ever get there to completely loving myself, but I'm definitely learning to accept myself. The picture above was taken at a point where I was happy, my make-up had gone okay (considering my very mediocre make-up skills) and I was feeling somewhat confident within myself.

I'm not the brightest, or the funniest, or the prettiest (thank god for make-up), but I'm me. I'm Grace, the 20 year old who sometimes has a bad confidence day, but is learning to come to terms with myself. I'm a good person, I'm a good friend, I'm the most loyal person you will ever meet, and I love my friends and family more than anything. I'm just me, and I need to learn that this is nothing to be ashamed of. Even though I have been told that I'm not good enough and I'm not this and I'm not that, I'm learning to accept that people can have their opinions. But it shouldn't make me feel worthless because other people want to push me down. But I'm learning. I'm learning to love myself, or at least I'm on the journey towards it.

Thank you so much for reading,

Much love,

Grace x

It's Okay Not To Be Okay.

Hey guys,

So, I have been very quiet recently, and for this I really do apologise. If you've read my Moving On post, then you will know that I have had some pretty big news recently, but I have also had a few other things that have been affecting me.

I wasn't sure whether to write this post, but I feel like this is a great outlet to express how I'm feeling, as I often find it hard to verbally express how I'm feeling.

Basically, I don't really sleep. As in, once, I had 11 hours sleep in 7 days, and still had to attend university, complete numerous assignments, keep up a social life, eat (obv) and just try and upkeep as normal a life as I could. However, with a brain like mine, which literally never stops due to anxiety, this had started to become difficult, basically to the point where it would never stop and keep me up until 7am, when I had a 10am lecture to be in for.

And I know this is the stereotypical student life of going out partying, staying up until the early hours, then dragging yourself into a 9am lecture still drunk, but this wasn't the issue. I was going to bed at a reasonably normal time, but just laying there for 6-7 hours just overthinking everything. And believe me, I tried everything to just stop it, I tried reading, turning my phone off earlier, playing relaxing music, sleep pillow sprays, the lot. And nothing worked. I ended up getting a better sleep after a night out than I was on a normal night, which is most definitely not good.

This therefore led to me being mentally and physically exhausted, meaning I had to get extensions on assignments (which I hate doing as I feel like I'm giving in to it, which I know is stupid, but I do), I was missing vital lectures, I was getting continually ill and I was just miserable. I mean, I try to be a happy person and I feel like I am the majority of the time, yet this I just could not cope with.

You're probably wondering why I didn't go and get help initially. I actually did about a year ago as my university, but the way in which I was treated by them meant that I just could not face going back. So I ended up going to my welfare tutor who I had spoken to before, and whom I knew would actually listen and not just patronise me, and explained what was going on. In all honesty, he took one look at me (my under-eyes were that black, that I looked like I had been punched, and my skin was literally translucent I was that pale), and just said 'you need help'. So from here, I got a key worker, so now I can easily get help on getting extensions, and it just made everything a whole lot easier.

This made me realise that I shouldn't have been exhausting myself to the extent that I was, in the fact that I was going into uni after having an hours sleep, not being able to understand what was going on as I was so tired, and then going back home and stressing about how I hadn't learnt anything. I'm just happy that I finally took a step back and realised that this wasn't healthy, and I shouldn't have to put myself through that.

The point of this post is to just remind you that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to admit that things aren't exactly right, that you're not happy in the place that you're in, or that you just want a break from things. It's okay to ask for help, to talk to others about how you're feeling. There will always be someone who will listen and help, even if you feel like there won't be.

It's okay not to be okay.

Much love always,

Grace x

Reflecting on 2016

Hey guys,

It's been a funny old year, 2016. As I'm sat up writing this on the 30th December, I'm contemplating the fact that it was quite a weird year. I mean, politics has gone tits up, and there have been some awful tragedies, but some of it was actually okay.

I saw a tweet that went viral the other day, all about the good things that have happened this year in relation to our environment and wildlife, and it made me think that some good things have actually happened this year.

Going a bit more personal here, I really feel like I have grown this year. Not literally (damn you small legs!), but in a way in that I feel like I'm more independent, and more understanding of the fact that life is a bitch, and you've just got to go with what life throws at you. Unfortunately, I had a lot of shit at school, and yes, it's affected me pretty badly, but I'm finally realising that I've got to let it go. I mean yeah, I still don't have the confidence to go out without make up on and I hide away from doing certain things, but I have managed to go out wearing less make up, which is a start. I just haven't yet come to terms with the fact that I'm not the person that I was 4 years ago, but that's okay. I'll get there. 

I finally realised this year that I really need more experience in the line of work that I want to go into, but I'm still not 100% sure what that is. But that's basically what your twenties are for, finding out what you want to do for the rest of your life.

And yes, 2016 was the year I turned 20. No longer a teenager, which means I can no longer sit on my arse all day and eat without a care in the world (although let's be honest, I'm still going to do that). I don't know, even though it's just an age, it's a new decade, a new decade in which I may get married, I may have kids, I may finish university, I may travel, I may get that dream job...it's quite overwhelming. I feel like my twenties are going to be amazing, but I just don't think I'm ready for them yet.

I have also struggled with my mental health, but I have had such amazing support from my friends and family, and I am so thankful for them. My mental health is something that I have never really spoken about on my blog, but it is something that is very apparent in my life. Anxiety is always something that I have struggled with, as I can't really remember not having my weird compulsions in relation to grammar and shapes, but I feel that university has heightened it somehow. I have always felt stress, but it got to the point where I wasn't sleeping or eating, and had to get extensions on my assignments. I felt so frustrated with myself, as I wanted to be like everyone else and just be able to write my assignment in the time given. But looking back, if I hadn't had those extensions, I probably would have gone into a spiral of stress and low moods, so I am so glad that I faced up to what was going on. I think I need to focus on that more in 2017, and focus on helping myself in relation to this. However, this year I managed to fight my anxiety to some extent, and in my second term I handed in all of my assignments in on the deadline. It's a small victory, but one of which I am proud.

In 2016, I started my blog. This was a massive highlight for me this year, as I finally put my love of writing into something real, into something that I can look back on, and think 'wow, I was doing that this time last year' or 'wow, look how far I've come' (although not in photography, my photography is still a bit shit). It's quite amazing how much I have changed, within my writing style and also within my confidence. I would never in a million years have posted a photo of my face on the internet showcasing a make up look that I had created. It's also been an outlet for me, an outlet to just get out of my head for a while, and write. Write whatever I want and do whatever I want - it's fantastic.

I've also had some amazing opportunities in relation to my blog, as I have met loads of incredible bloggers, and have attended events that I would never even dream of attending. In fact, I was invited to an event in London recently, which also has guests attending such as In The Frow and Lydia Elise Millen, which is so amazing, yet so overwhelming. I'm so excited to attend, but I'm such a small blogger, with very little experience in comparison to the majority of people attending, and it's quite daunting to say the least. But this is something that I am so looking forward to, and I will definitely be writing a post about it!

I also started my YouTube channel. I never ever ever thought that I would be sat in my room talking to a camera as if the most natural thing in the world and then post it on the internet - but I did. To be honest, I never thought that I would even come close to starting, but here we are. If you're interested in checking out my YouTube channel, I'll leave the link here.

I was also very fortunate to visit California with my parents, something that I have always wanted to do. It was on of the best holidays I have ever been on, and I made memories there that are completely unforgettable. We toured down the West Coast, and we saw some amazing places, such as San Francisco, San Diego and Yosemite! I wrote many a post about my time here, so I will leave some links for you to view them - Monterey Bay, Yosemite, San Francisco. I am so thankful for being able to visit such amazing places, and I am so grateful to my parents for taking me!

So that was a very rambley post, but I feel that it was more honest and personal, which is something that I have never delved into on my blog, in fear of being found by someone I know, but also in fear of being judged in some shape or form. However, I have learnt to just say 'screw it', and go for it!

I hope you have all had a wonderful 2016, and I wish you a happy new year for 2017.

Let's see what this year brings.

Much love always,

Grace x